4

“you look different” she said

“do I?”

“yes you do.”

“well I’m tired.”

“that’s not it. Everybody’s tired.”

“I’m tireder.”

“what’s wrong”

“nothing I’m ok”

“are you?”

“yes. are you?”

“I’m ok too.”

“so we’re both ok.”

“seems that way”

“good.”

“where shall we go?”

“we could go anywhere.”

“where do you want to go?”
“I don’t care.”

“that’s not very helpful.”

“sorry.”

“Shall we walk to the shop?”

“which one?”

“the one by the offy.”

“yes why not. Is there anything you need?”
“I would like to get some crisps.”

“that’s a good idea.”

“Could you eat crisps?”

“yes I think they have tangy toms.”

“let’s go there then.”

“where shall we go after?”

“we could sit in the library. and have a coffee.”

“we wouldn’t be able to talk much.”

“yes we could. we could talk quietly. then walk more”

“walk further?”

“after the coffee.”

“where?”
“we’ll decide then.”

“what’s that on the ground?”

“it’s a badge i think. I’m going to pick it up.”

“let’s see.”

“it’s a cnd badge.”

“put it on.”

“ok. i’ll put it on my bag.”

‘now you’re a pacifist.”

“haha. yeah I am.”

“shall we stop the war?”

“which one?”

“any.”

“why not?”

“we’re at the shop now.”

“i realise that.”

“I’ll open the door. It’s heavy.”

“you say everything out loud.”
‘i have to. I have no interior monologue.”
“that sounds tiresome.”

“it is.”

“look tangy toms”

“yes!”

“I’m getting two.”

“why not?”

“it is a day with a y in it.”

“indeed.”

“shall we get gum?”

“do you want to kiss me?”

‘maybe. well yes.”

“you shouldn’t tell me.”

“i’m going to kiss you.”

“not in here.”

“I am. i’m going to kiss you in here.”

“the man is looking.”

“what’s that?”

“what?’

“Hey! you kissed me!”

“Yes. I am sly.”

3

The computer monitor says 18:26.

Six hours ago was half past midday. What was happening then? I think I was coming back from the library. I walked in and the coffee machine was broken. Maybe it was later. My memory is weak. I wrote week. Misspellings create new meanings. This doesn’t help me fathom what happened six hours ago. I had to go and fetch the video camera. I went to the charity shop with Josh’s gear. Stopped to talk to a chugger. Actionaid. Helping kids in wherever that earthquake is. I forget. Is this because I’m convinced my memory is deteriorating? I got a paper. I hardly read it. I did most of the crossword, made soup. I am signed off uni but went through on way back. Saw Clover. Came back and made an omelet forgetting we were meant to meet to eat. Took camera back but forgot spare battery and lens cap though remembered charger. Checked this in the street. I picked up a milk bottle seal thinking it was a pog. Wiped my hands on my trousers. Josh’s trousers. Josh is in Paris. James is working at uni. Will be back. Lottie is going to the cinema. Had a hard day at work. Max met with Clover and I at spring bank, spotted me a hot chocolate. Clover had a cappuccino. She said she might see me at lunchtimes. Max might drop by in the morning again. Six hours ago. An odd length of time. I got this email this morning and was thinking I was asleep six hours ago and people in australia might be awake. Got this vice student ambassador thing or so it’s called. Promotional. Walked across the bridge to pick up guitar strings. Had to wait a bit and had big empty suitcase. I heard the clock strike one at some point. My phone died on the bridge trying to send a text to my sister saying that Kingston was twinned with Delft, where we once visited the factory. This did not get that far. Just wrote, “did you know” before it caved in. Pulled trolley through high town. The clock struck one. The mouse fell down. Prior to the mouse’s tumble I was in the guitar shop, buying strings. Or looking in the window of TK Maxx. Or on the bridge. My watch is on the armchair in my room with a dead battery. The other clocks in the house show different times. I live a disharmonious existence out of synch with everyone. Sometimes at night I am not ready for bed. I am woken in the morning. This must improve. I want to schedule exercise. I don’t feel up to it. I looked over the water. I have nothing more to say. I don’t know when six hours ago was. That is to say, I don’t know what was happening six hours ago as I did not check the time. I went to a cafe and had a teapigs tea and looked at the Mirror. I only went in to use their toilet. I did not see a clock. I do not know what order these things happened or at least would have to think. I am tired. Should I go out? I don’t know. I said I might watch the film Lottie’s watching. It’s post-apocalyptic. It might not be the right thing. I’ll watch a video.

2

Like a fish out of water he drank daily like his gills were overflowing with useless objects and sentimental sludge that gummed up the gutters of the reservoir I see the sea to me means that a vast ocean is reached at the end a meeting of the all and the one like streams to tributaries and mingling in the river trivially where all curls and eddies a standing wave Eddy is a stranded boy in the water a lifeguard pulls him out of the pool freshwater in his mouth again drowning but this time strong arms reach out this grab pulled frog legged and amphibious crawling up the shore a variety of legs and maneuvers shed scales said he I am a man how? I was a fish, but when? Yesterday. I was a fish in the stream, then I was a man. What happened in between I could not tell but it was invisible incredible excellent unbelievable I would believe you ah don’t be so sure you see I was many before, many many minnows, then a cluster of carp, then a batch of beavers building a dam then a bear ate me and I was the bear and the bear fell and frogs hatched from it’s stomach and from that the frogs were picked at by birds who carried and shat eggs from the sky most of which fell from the fire in the sky to the frying pan that stretches out beneath on a magma hob the flow of current forwards always sometimes stuck and sometimes pushing through the dam the damage done outstanding ripped wood floating raftlike and covered in ants that march away away as a kite away as a raft and I was the real me finally with toes made of toad and legs of lamb and minty mouth and earwig eyebrows and horsehair and monkey mouth too and aardvark arms all of me these animals I was and am but now a man of the sudden burst of tremendous shaking an earthquake that the sea pushes forth an earthquake shattering itself breaking it must render it’s fatal it’s final is this the way the current goes can I see the sea it’s all that you can see I see you see not really where were we blah oh yes the river that delivered me to you through the evolutionary mess a tangled tree drinking from the earth and reaching to the sky don’t ask why it just is don’t ask where the leaves draw from they grow great and green from the ground but where from the air the earth where else the ether if you will I will okay then so it is as you are as we are they see how now but where does it go back the other way or through as a needle in the eye of time a fabric warped in space all of which flows this river revised and relevant to the reproduction of itself stitched together stuck and allowed to continue undistorted undemanded producing oi ok I went on a boat it was good that’s more like it yeah and then got off the other side and went for a walk in the woods and then I died and that was it.

1

A chubby boy in a fleece steps home from the pharmacy with a purposeful stride. He has his dad’s epilepsy medication in his pocket. He walks past the pub and worries about getting mugged. Someone in a leather jacket and a hood laughs a sliver smile around the neck of his pint with teeth in his eyes. Chris thumbs his pocket. It hasn’t dropped out. The last time his dad had a seizure was in the swimming pool. He thrashed around in the embryonic fluid gulping and coughing and splashing. Every time Chris’ dad is in the bathroom for more than ten minutes he wonders if he’s drowned or cracked his head. He has a scar that shows when his hair is short from a set of stone stairs in Venice. That was their holiday, spent in an Italian hospital negotiating medical procedures with a phrasebook. He had forgotten his pills. Fuck epilepsy thought Chris. Fucking seizures. He once seized at a business dinner, came home with bolognase all over the top of his shirt and a missing tooth. Chris thinks sometimes his dad doesn’t take them. He sees a girl walk past in a shellsuit with her hair scraped back and hoop earings with a carrier bag full of attitude. He wonders if he’ll ever have sex. He tried asking Sophie out at school and she laughed. Laughed. I’m a good friend. Well maybe I’m tired of being a good friend. He just wants someones hand to hold and to take out to the cinema. He is sick of being in the background. Mr wallpaper. Yes well what are you going to do about it Chris I don’t know I just think if I talk people would laugh at me people do laugh at you i know oh my god everybody hates me everybody doesn’t hate you you silly chubby little fucker oh shut up my god i’m talking to myself am i crazy no your fine shut up and listen you’re good at carpentry one day you might have your own business and then you can have a girlfriend or a wife maybe and run your business you’re just not cut out for these years do you think so yes just hang tight and everything will be ok you’re a nice guy and that will pay off stick with it well those arseholes do better than me with girls just cause they are good looking of course they do and you only ask the good looking girls out face it you’ve only asked two girls out ever and you never even talked to them so they couldn’t see what a lovely chap you are oh i should talk to people more well it might help i suppose so ha ha thanks for the chat now stop talking to yourself and get going it’s just down the road on the right there’s mr cavendish at number 36 he always goes out walking to the postbox and says hello his wife died last year it was sad i wonder what he does i suppose he has his garden and listens to the radio i’m glad i’m not an old man yet yes that’s something when will the good times come one day one day one day